Head Under Water

Being stuck in a spiral of discontent is like being held under water for too long. Eventually you'll have to come up, gasping for air. And suddenly your head is really clear and aware. You're probably mad as hell, but at the same time relieved that you made it.

I feel like someone's been holding my head under water for the past 6 weeks. Always hoping and believing in the better side of people. Leaning on people too much. Giving others too much power over my emotional well-being. Wishing the fairytale I create for my life in my head was actually true. In that perfect world I would have quit my energy-sucking job, overcome my anxiety battles, spent enough time with my family to not feel guilty for living so far away, and had the support of the one I have been supporting. I would have spent my last 2 weeks in Europe traveling with my baby and then returned home refreshed, loved, happy, reassured, content, at ease, balanced.

Nope.

Life is not always kind. It has a way of crushing your spirit at times, giving you solid doses of reality checks to remind you that you cannot create a reality for yourself that is dependent upon the actions of others. In the end you only have yourself, and you can only change your very own life. You have no control over the relationships that come in and out of your life. Somehow you have to learn to just accept what is. Putting up a fight only ends up emotionally draining you of all your energy. Either take it, or leave it. It's that simple.

I can't make my boyfriend value our anniversary, I can't make him miss me and want to spend time with me or call me, I can't make him put me first and consider me a priority. He has to do those things, it's not my job to convince him. My mother will always make me feel guilty about not being around enough. My father will always make me feel like I'm missing out and understating my value. I can't change them either.

But you can choose who you spend your time with. Your time. Your way. Make your way, your way - not the way that depends on how someone else will behave or make you feel. Nourish the relationships that give you strength. Spend time with those who love you and make you laugh. Stop riding in the back seat. Take the steering wheel and take control of your life. Come up for air, damn it!