FML

Today is V-Day, as in Valentine's Day. I just had to leave the awkward lunch conversation of all the ladies exchanging stories of all the wonderful things their hubbies were doing for them. I sat there, silently eating my fluorescent-pink cupcake, on the verge of tears and hoping they would not ask me about my plans. "Well,  I'll be spending this day in my empty apartment filled with boxes because I can't even afford a fucking dresser and bookshelf because you didn't give me a raise. My EX-boyfriend is mostly in love with himself and his vices, and the boy I like is unreachable for the next year or so. So happy fucking Valentine's Day to me." Choke on this, lunch ladies with your perfect lives.

So I'm a bit bitter today. Can you blame me? After six years my boyfriend didn't even attempt to change my mind about leaving him. He just let me go. I don't know if it's a blessing or a slap in the face. I'm also mad at myself for not moving on quickly enough. I still find myself spending more time at my old house than my new house. It doesn't help that living out of boxes is seriously depressing and there's no couch or TV at my new place. There is nothing but silence, which leaves me with my thoughts as the only form of entertainment. The other day I spent 2 hours in my bathtub because I couldn't think of anything else to do. I would go out, except I cannot afford that anymore; my social life will also die as a consequence of this break up. I wish I could just fast-forward to May or so. Certainly my life will be much better then, right?

I'm furthermore mad at myself for all the mixed feelings and the insane 24/7 blabber in my head. And remind me again, why would I choose to get attached to someone unavailable? Oh yeah, because I'm a fucking masochist, I almost forgot. The light at the end of the tunnel that I aim for is artificial. When I should be looking for sunshine.