The Tangled Mess Called Love

It's been a strange few weeks. I found out via a Spotify playlist that I actually really broke someone's heart although I thought all along that I never meant anything to this person. I wish he had expressed his love to me, though, instead of creating a list of heartbreak songs for me to discover a year later. But the truth is, we were experts of never talking about our feelings.

I tested the waters with an old love, but if there's one thing we're good at, it's awful timing. It's always just a tease of something sweet, but one of us can never fully commit for one reason or another. So we sneak kisses here and there, exchange smiles and go back to our own lives dreaming up the what-if scenario.

Someone tried to set me up with a 26-year old, but I scared him away with my realness and ego. He did refer to me as an "older woman" though and admitted to a past pill addiction. No thank you - been down that road twice with guys. And on that note, my ex-husband texted me out of the blue. It's been 11 years. He left me feeling unworthy and so I partially blame him for all my subsequent unbalanced relationships. You'll latch on to anything and anyone if you don't feel deserving because someone fucked your head up so badly in the past.

I worked so hard on regaining my light and balance after a tough and trying summer and then let the person who left my heart bleeding back into my delicate heart. I am the hopeless dreamer and I suppose I thought we could ease back into things and see where it goes. But hey, then there's fiery me who always wants it full force. So full force led to tears and an ugly and uncharacteristic shuffle in a parking lot, broken up by an unexpected friend who patiently sat across the table and listened to me pour out my heart for an hour.

But on a positive note, I befriended a train wreck of a guy. I love our Wednesdays together. I think it's because he's just as broken as I am, and we talk about our lives and dreams and shortcomings and dirty secrets. And it feels safe because I know we'll never be more than friends. And maybe that's just what I need right now. Just a guy friend, not another messy romance with someone. Just someone to talk to, someone to cheer me up and tell me I'm not really so bad, even when the shit hits the fan.