Teddy Bears With Attitude

The other day I was brushing my teeth, looking out my bathroom window, when suddenly I saw dried pee drops on the side of my toilet. As I lifted the lid I saw old, dried pee all over the toilet bowl and it hit me: I can't do this, this is not for me, I can't deal with this. I like my house clean, I don't want to clean up after a man. I don't have room for a man in my space. Could this be the beginning of the end to my independence...again?

Freaking out.

Here is this nice, polite guy, handsome too, and I'm just dying to look for excuses of why he is not right for me. He is too nice, too timid, too reserved, too easy-going, too much like me, too dark (I do like my blonde blue-eyed men), too strong-willed, taking it slow too long/too much (I mean come on, sleep overs, really?)...surely I will just get bored with him in a couple of months and break his heart. I mean the man is fucking perfect, I can't deal with it. I complain to my girlfriends about it, and they ask me what the hell my problem is. Well my problem is that I ALWAYS like the bad guys. Even when I fall for a seemingly good guy, they end up being bad boys. Of course. Otherwise there probably wouldn't have been any chemistry to start out with. Give me a teddy bear with an attitude and I'm sold.

But seriously, what is my problem? I think I've had my heart crushed too recently. And I blamed myself, because I knew what I was getting into and here I was trying to play it cool like I could just move past that. But I couldn't. I fell so hard for this boy (boy!) and we had an out-of-this-fucking-world connection, and he walked away. Just like that. Is that my problem? Being turned down? Is that why I am still hung up on him, because I couldn't have him and it hurt my ego? Probably, isn't that how this fucked up relationship bullshit works?

They say it was admirable of him to "let me go" because he knew he was not available and it wouldn't be fair to me to hold me back. Yeah, that would have been sweet if it really had just been plain sex. But I am damaged now. I am so fucking scared to give my heart again, so scared to fall for someone again that I look for bullshit excuses like dried pee on a toilet to get me out of any sort of commitment.

I am still so disappointed, I cannot be free -  even though it was so "admirable" to set me free so I can have whoever I want and be happy. Because maybe that's not just his choice. Maybe it should be my choice too. I know I will see him again one day, and I wonder what it will be like. I wonder what I will say. I wonder what he will say. I wonder if he will smile at me and all will be well. Oh that smile - like pure sunshine.

I fell open

I laid under

At the tip out

I was just your number

I wanna slip it over

And get back under

And if you think this is over

Then you're wrong

(Separator by Radiohead)